My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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