I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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