Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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