the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
