All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
