And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
