ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
