How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I queefed so loud it echoed.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
