I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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