Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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