Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
