i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
