fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
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How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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