i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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