i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
