Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
no you cant smoke seaweed
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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