They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
