I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
