I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My vagina is officially offended.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
