the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
