The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
