She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
