Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?