I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup