i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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