Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
