i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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