I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
