I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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