remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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