Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
