Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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