the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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