i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
