Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
