he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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