I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
