I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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