I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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