She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
this boner is exhausting
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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