I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
