I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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