Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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