dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
