well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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