Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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