Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
