i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
