I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
