Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
