got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
