My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
