I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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