I must be too annoying 4 u.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
