The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
