Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
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