now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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