You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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