textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
