Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
porn star boner night. come get it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
