god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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