Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
