and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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