Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
