I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
